Ninia...
My husband keeps telling me that it had to be done and I agree; however, I cannot take away the sense of culpability from me. Ninia was put to sleep in the morning. I signed the documents allowing the veterinarian to do it. The poor baby tried so much, she tried so much to make it. She was diagnosed with the parvo virus about 5 days after she was with us and suffered from low blood count, heavy diarrhea, tummy spasms, vomiting, anemia and probably a whole lot of other uncomfortable things that the little one wasn’t able to tell us. After intensive care, injections, IV feeding, medications she overcame parvo. The pretty baby made it and she was once more running around the house, chewing her toys, rolling around with Tushi and getting swatted by Chico. She was skinny but she looked happy. Then by the beginning of last week I noticed her not wanting to eat so I’d mix her food with leftovers so that she’d eat her dry food and at first she would but then it was less and less. I also noticed she got little eye-buggers, but all my pets get them and as with all of them I cleaned them off with a wet cotton ball. By Friday, when I got home from the museum her eyes were very swollen and even her nose was runny. I took her to the vet to get that checked thinking it was an eye infection (plus the 30th was time for her 2nd boosters anyway so I thought she should get those done too). The vet told me it wasn’t an eye infection but probable distemper. He ran blood tests and gave her shots to help her rest through the weekend so that Monday he could run full skin analysis (the eye infection) and send it to the lab but said that if it was distemper that it was probably she wouldn’t make it - since 1975 he had only seen 5 dogs survive the infection and they were adult dogs. I got back home and began giving her new medicine for the tummy inflammation and to help with the eye and nose infection. It was a horrible weekend for all of us. She was in obvious discomfort and it hurt everyone to see her like that. We were able to help with her eye and nose infection but she could hardly walk and her appetite was slim. We gaver her boiled chicken and she'd eat a bit, but never enough. She did not poop a single time since Friday and her leg muscles suffered continual spasms. She developed pneumonia in one lung and the other was completely filled with what I guess was the mucous. I think it was around 10 am when she got the shots that finally let her rest.
She’d look at me as I talked to her and when my husband would talk to her she’d look at him too but she couldn’t move anymore even as I cradled her. Her body was so small and light; she was so weak. She still recognized us. I know it because as she got her first shot she still wiggled her tail.
I am so sorry and feel so guilty. If there is a thing as hell, I am going to it and I will deserve it. I brought her home and I was supposed to take care of her and do everything to give her a good home and I sentenced her to die. The vet and the nurses and my parents and my husband they all tell me that the viruses had come from the shelter. That the viruses do not show themselves within 4 days. That they take 10-12 days to hatch and then some more for the first signs to show, signs which we cannot notice until the virus is fully developed. When she was treated for parvo she could only be treated for that, not for any other sort of disease or her system may get ‘confused’ and not be able to fight any. Well yes, I believe that; I see the logic in that... but I was still a bad mom. She was an ill puppy, since day 1. Flea infested, worm ridden, skinny little puppy and at the first sign that she was ‘okay’ I put her out in the yard because my house was stinky of puppy pee. I should have left her inside and I should have taken her to the vet since the first day that she didn’t want to eat her food instead of mixing it with our leftovers. If I wouldn’t have tried home remedies for her eyes the vet would have caught the virus several days before and maybe the antibiotics would have worked. Maybe she would still be here.
Maybe I wouldn’t have had to carry her little warm body out of the hospital and buried her in my back yard. She would be here, running inside the house as soon as I opened the door and chewing her squeaky toys and biting at my ankles. She was such a wonderful baby. She was a little angel that came home to bring us so much luck. Such good things happened to us when she was here and we couldn’t do the same for her. We just couldn’t do the same for her.
Perdoname Ninia. Perdoname bebita. Te he llorado rios por mi gran culpa y disculpame el no dejarte descansar. Gracias por todo. Te extrañaremos y por favor siguenos bendeciendo. Ya te estoy diseñando tu piedrita mi amor. Gracias por hacernos tan felices el tiempo que estubiste con nosotros y perdoname por haber decidido tu destino por ti.
2 Comments:
How untterly awful and I really sympathise. I am sending all my love and good vibes to you.
Please try not to blame yourself. You could not have known what was going to happen. From what you have said Ninia's last days were in a loving, caring home. She didn't die alone, but surrounded with love. You did the best anyone could do and Ninia would have loved you for it.
I wish there was more I could say to take the pain away. Just know I am thinking of you. Take care and lots of love, T xxxx
We had a dog named Casey for five days. She was probably the cause of how I hated my parents with true passion (obviously I don't hate them now because I've accepted the realities of life).
Casey came from an abusive situation. She was a puppy at the kennel who was adopted by this creepy horrible man that lived near a friend of my mom's. Both her and my mom hated how this guy treated her and evenutally convinced him to let us bring her home.
A few days after living in our house, she was taken to the vet because of strange behavior (diarhhea, lack of eating, etc). She was diagonosed with a rare and untreatable tick disease, the name escaped me now, but it was unique only to Okinawa from my understanding.
Using methods of preventative medicine, she got better, but then she got worse all over again. One day, coming back from karate lessons, we got home and she was gone. I broke down and asked mom, "where's Casey?" And then she finally told me.
I didn't even get to say goodbye, nor bury her in the backyard.
The point is that you can never know what happens. You can dwell on the what ifs forever and continually blame yourself for things that happened and led up to your final decision, but you can't change anything. No matter how much you ever want to, you can't change it. As such, there is no reason to blame yourself, no matter how much control you feel you should of had in the situation.
If spirits truly do exist, she's probably still there, but without all the suffering and pain. I think the best thing you can do (of course, after grieving) is honor her memory has a happy little puppy.
If you need someone to talk to, I am only an e-mail away :) And sorry for the long comment, but I hope it helps.
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